By: Laura Tatum

We all know the saying: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

As the youngest child with three older brothers, I never thought I would say I miss my brothers. Growing up, it was a day-by-day adventure to see who was going to pick on me next. But as I’ve gotten older and left home for college, this phrase has taken on a deeper meaning for me.

I’m not able to see my brothers as much as I once was, and yet the relationship I have with each of them is truly stronger than ever — something that has only happened since we’ve gotten older. Though growing up and leaving home may not be the easiest of experiences, it turns out that such times often positively transform the relationship between siblings and lead to healthy behaviors to maintain that relationship.

Meghan Hamwey from The Henry M. Jackson Foundation and her colleagues wanted to know exactly how emerging adulthood has an effect on sibling relationships. Because this season of life is so influential and transformational, they wanted to further understand the relationship dynamics, communication strategies, and implications of distance on the relationship.

Hamwey and her team gathered participants from college campuses and split them up into nine focus groups. Each focus group answered a questionnaire of open-ended questions concerning existing research on this topic as well as the interests of the researchers.

They found that as siblings grow up into adulthood and begin their own lives away from their families, sibling relationships often get closer than when they were at home.

Almost every sibling relationship they studied going into adulthood was different than when they were children. Many of the sibling relationships they looked at improved as they emerged into independent adulthood. Conversations were of better quality, there were fewer arguments and the sibling becomes a source of security and friendship because of their shared history.

Some of the changes undergone in sibling relationships were the frequency and quality of conversations and the way siblings viewed each other. Even though a majority of the participants stated they did not speak to their siblings as frequently as they had when they were younger, the quality of their conversations improved drastically. One participant talked about how more in-depth conversations with their sibling led to a stronger relationship than when they saw each other every day.

The way siblings also viewed their relationships shifted after leaving home. Instead of an annoying enemy, suddenly siblings became their friends. This new perspective has a huge effect on the kind of maintenance the siblings take on in their relationship.

Scott Myers and Kelly Odenweller from West Virginia University looked at how people view their sibling relationships and how to best maintain those relationships as adults. The researchers surveyed 196 individuals ranging from the ages of 18-70. Each individual filled out a questionnaire concerning one of their siblings.

After taking the survey, each individual used different scales to help define the relationship between them and their chosen sibling. Then, at the end of both the questionnaire and the scales, four types of sibling relationships were presented to them and they were asked to choose the one that defined the relationship with their sibling.

Myers and Odenweller found that the kind of relationship siblings have play into how they nurture and grow their relationship. If two brothers, for example, view each other as someone they want in their lives, they are going to put in the effort to properly keep up with their relationship.

The question is, how do we keep up with our siblings if we don’t see them often? Some behaviors that can help in maintaining sibling relationships include openness in conversations, assurances of the other person’s importance, and keeping a positive climate in the relationship.

Openness in conversations is simply being honest about your needs and wants. If you want to talk to your sibling twice a week, tell them! If you want to do more fun activities with them, tell them that. This will allow for a closer bond and lowers the chance of both people being hurt.

Assuring your sibling of their importance in your life is a huge factor in maintaining that relationship. Personally, even just receiving a random text from one of my brothers that says something like “Praying for you today,” or getting some funny scene from a TV show we love assures me he actually cares about me and wants to be in communication with me.

Finally, a great way to maintain your relationships with your siblings is to keep the climate around your relationship positive and polite. This includes avoiding criticism of your sibling; that could lead to defensiveness and unnecessary arguments.

Growing up can be hard. Leaving home, going to college and beginning to find your independence can be difficult and even scary. But siblings can help this transition, and even be a significant part of the new rhythms that come with adulthood. Even if you’re far apart, your siblings can be some of the best and most rewarding relationships you have to make it through the craziness of young adulthood.

Send a text to your sibling today and remind them you love them. It’ll go a long way!