BY SARAH SELF

EDITED BY LAURA DURR

Once upon a time, I used to think of long-distance relationships as nothing more than a waste of time. While l knew long-distance relationships were always initiated with the highest of hopes and purest of intentions, I ultimately saw them as the one-way ticket to heartbreak and disappointment. I mean, what was the point of investing months into being with somebody when you couldn’t even be with them? All the fun date nights, amazing adventures, and cozy nights in bingeing Netflix weren’t options for anyone in a long-distance relationship. At least, not after the once a month, weekend visit had already come and gone (way too fast). It was a bound-for-disappointment lifestyle that was not for me. Nope. Thanks. Bye.

Then I met an amazing guy who lived in the apartment just a block away, and we were going to live out our lives happily ever after in Nashville. And then I fell in love. And then he moved 1,000 miles away. Oops.

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for me to spend Friday nights crying or lose out on an entire day’s worth of lectures because I was stressing about my relationship. The truth of the matter was that, despite having found a great deal of happiness in my relationship, I also gained an almost ever-present feeling of loneliness. It was almost as if I had grown a second shadow that followed me just about everywhere I went. Sometimes it was a bit more pronounced, sometimes a bit duller, but always with me nonetheless.

But, when enduring those more prominent feeling of loneliness, I often found myself wondering what exactly it was that made this all worth it. Yes, I loved my boyfriend, but this wasn’t a question of his value. How was it that I could maintain such a strong relationship while still always feeling so lonely and miserable? Well, a study from College Student Journal may have the answer.

Researchers Michael and Ruth Firman conducted the study at a selective, northern university, and the subjects consisted of 16 women, all of whom were current college sophomores involved in heterosexual, long-distance relationships. According to the findings of this study, college women are most likely to experience an acute feeling of loneliness in a variety of scenarios, like when their friends go on dates, when holidays come around, when experiencing “lull times,” or when they have just recently seen their boyfriend. However, the highest levels were reported in one specific instance: when the subjects felt that they were having a “bad” day. So, while there are many instances that can trigger this sense of loneliness, the most prominent feelings seem to occur when the individual is just having hard time.

Researchers also noted that the enhanced feeling of loneliness brought on by the struggles occurring in the subjects’ daily lives seemed to result in a greater feeling of “neediness” in their relationship, and that the inability to communicate this feeling caused the relationship to suffer on their end. Despite what one might think, this, in turn, tends to lead the “needy” member of the relationship to develop a higher perceived value of the relationship itself.

Speaking of which, a higher perceived value of long-distance relationships has actually been reported in numerous studies on long-distance relationships. In fact, according to an article published in the Family Process individuals in long-distance relationships generally reported higher overall levels of conversational quality and sexual satisfaction compared to those in close-proximity romantic relationships. The study also found that those involved in long distance relationships also reported lower levels of psychological aggression and communication danger, in addition to a lesser sense of constraint, or feeling “trapped” in their relationship.

After nine months of living five states away, my boyfriend finally made it back to the wonderful city of Nashville in November. Instead of phone calls every night, we were able to have dinner. Instead of skype date, we were able to have real ones. Instead of synced Netflix sessions, we were finally able to enjoy our favorite shows together. Though we believed we handled the distance fairly well, I’d be lying if I said it ever once felt easy.

So, to reiterate, how was it that I could maintain such a strong relationship while still always feeling so lonely and miserable? Well, perhaps, in some strange way, a part of what made my relationship with my boyfriend so strong was, indeed, the loneliness I felt. Perhaps because I came to feel lonely, and in turn, came to developed a higher perceived value of our relationship, I came to find a greater appreciation for the partnership I had been working so long and hard to keep. And in the end, it’s a bit silly to think that I constantly whined and complained about feeling so alone, because, quite simply, I never was.