By: Maddie Tubergen

Siblings are so much fun, until you are trying to strangle one another. Even as we get older it still feels like we fight with our siblings like a couple of 8-year-old kids at grandma’s house. We are not entirely to blame for sibling quarrels. Research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that parents may play a role in how siblings will handle conflict in adulthood. In a 2019 study, Geneviéve Bouchard and her colleagues from Université de Moncton, Canada surveyed 302 young adults from ages 17 to 35 about their sibling conflicts and their parents’ intervention styles. They looked at three styles: noninvolvement, control and coaching. Of the three, noninvolvement and control led to continued sibling bullying in both childhood and adulthood.

Noninvolvement means letting your overly aggressive children “handle” their fights on their own. Let’s say Billy stole Sally’s barbie, and now Sally is yelling at Billy to give it back, but Billy refuses. Instead of the parents moving in to smooth out the situation, they let the screaming match go on until some sort of solution is reached. Parents used to be told to stay out of their children’s conflicts, but Bouchard and her colleagues found that parent involvement helps provide a more structured way to handle conflict. Kids are not equipped to properly handle conflict without a certain structure being taught to them.

Parental control usually involves the parents threatening their kids with punishment to stop them from fighting. For example, Billy purposefully pours ketchup on Sally in a restaurant and their mom does not want them to cause a fuss. So, she threatens to not let Billy spend time with his friends that weekend and does not allow him to play Fortnite. Bourchard and her colleagues found that parents who punish their kids rather than help them work on their problem solving had more negative sibling relationships in childhood. Parental control was also associated with more instances of sibling bullying and victimization.

The parenting styles of noninvolvement and control also led to siblings mistreating each other in adulthood. Billy never outgrew trying to control and intimidate Sally. She does not want to spend time with him and only talks to him during family functions. Their conflict as kids never allowed for their relationship to mature. They wish there was another way.

Coaching is when parents try to help their kids work through their conflict by helping them understand the feelings and perspectives of their sibling. When Billy stole Sally’s barbie, instead of letting them come to a solution on their own their parents should have explained to Billy why stealing other people’s things is wrong. They should have explained to him how to apologize and then explained to Sally how to ask for her things nicely and find an adult if necessary.

Bourchard’s study found that when parents used coaching strategies when mediating sibling conflicts, siblings have a more positive relationship in childhood. Parental coaching also led to less bullying and victimization in adulthood.

Following this strategy Billy and Sally are close and text all the time. They are supportive of one another and can resolve conflicts maturely.

If you feel that you feel bad about the way you and siblings fight, maybe take into consideration how your parents handled your bickering. Did they try to help you work it out? Did they ignore it? Or did they ground for week? Parents play a huge role in our lives whether you want them to or not. So, it makes sense that they affect the way we handle conflict.

Sibling relationships are bound to have conflict. If you find yourself in a strained relationship with your adult sibling, you might not have been taught effective ways to work out your problems. Regardless of your parents’ intervention in your sibling conflicts, it’s never too late to learn new ways of resolving problems and fighting fair.