By: Sophie Rey

Having secrets within families is nearly universal. In fact, one study suggests that nearly 97% of people have some form of a family secret.

But what factors determine whether or not the secret gets brought out into the open and shared? Researchers in the field of communication wanted to dig deeper into how conflict management and family communication styles potentially affect teens’ willingness to share secrets.

According to social scientists, there are four different types of family communication styles based on a family’s conversational orientation and level of conformity or the degree to which they desire uniformity of beliefs and values.

Pluralistic families have a high conversation orientation and a low conformity orientation. These families create an environment that emphasizes open communication between family members and family decision-making. Think of these families like each member is on an equal playing field– parents and children hold relatively equal weight.

Protective families have a low conversation orientation and a high conformity orientation. These are the types of families that prioritize parental authority and obedience from the children. Think of your friends with strict parents who check in on their location and text them to come home at 9 pm on a Friday night.

Consensual families have both a high conversation and conformity orientation. These families are a blend of the previous two. In these families, parents want open communication but are the ultimate decision-makers. So, they’ll want to have conversations with their kids about decisions, but want their kids to ultimately respect their final decision.

Laissez-faire families have both a low conversation and conformity orientation. In these families, family members are distant from one another, and parents have a more ‘hands-off’ approach. Basically, people in these types of families don’t communicate much and spend little time together.

Also, as we all have experienced, people go about handling conflict in different ways– sometimes frustratingly so. According to social scientists, there are five different types of handling conflict. We either avoid conflict altogether and ignore the problem, we accommodate the other person by putting their needs above ours, we are confrontational by putting our needs above the other person’s, we compromise and partially satisfy both person’s needs, or we collaborate and work together to come up with a mutual solution. Typically, the last style of handling conflict is the most satisfying and effective.

In 2017, communication researchers Eryn Bostwick and Amy Janan wanted to see if family communication patterns and conflict styles combined had an influence on the likelihood that a young adult would tell their parents a secret.

They took a sample of around 250 college students and asked them questions in a three-part survey. The first part asked them to think about a secret that they recently had and whether or not they told anyone about it.

The second part of the survey asked them questions about how their family typically communicated. Participants were asked to rate on a scale of one to five how much they related to questions like, “My parents and I often talk about our feelings and emotions.”

Finally, the students were asked questions about how they generally handled conflict with their parents. Again, the participants were asked to rate on a scale of one to five how much they related to questions such as, “I often go along with the suggestions of my parents.”

The researchers found that families that were high in conversation and low in conformity were more likely to have a collaborating conflict style and more likely to share secrets.

So, what can we take away from these findings? Essentially, having secrets within families is practically inevitable. Both the ways in which families communicate and how parents and teens respond to conflict have effects on whether teens feel comfortable enough to disclose a secret. To create the best possible environment for open communication, it is important for families to have a habit of conversation and a climate where differing points of view are respected. And, when conflict does arise, it is advised that parents make sure to respect their children’s input and collaborate to make a solution. Practicing healthy communication habits will help create an environment where young adults will feel more comfortable, which may prevent secrets from ever developing in the first place.