By: Paige Jackson
We all know that feeling.
It’s what drives some people to go through their partner’s phone when they’re not looking. It’s a horrible mix of insecurity, fear, anger and resentment all balled up into a perfect storm—jealousy.
A common cause of jealousy is the relationship between someone’s partner and one of their close friends. When navigating through a romantic relationship, you will probably run into this feeling at some point and end up having a conversation about jealousy.
I remember dating a boy and feeling jealous of a girl he was close friends with. Not only was I jealous, but I couldn’t verbalize why I felt that way, much less effectively communicate my concerns with my boyfriend.
Communication researchers have studied romantic relationships to see why jealousy occurs in that context, how to minimize it, and how it expressed between partners.
WHY DOES JEALOUSY HAPPEN?
One such pair of researchers, Timothy Worley of Murray State University and Jennifer Samp of the University of Georgia, published an article in 2014 that studied how relational uncertainty correlated with jealousy toward their partner’s nonromantic friendships. They also studied how this relationship uncertainty affected partners’ communication about jealousy.
Worley and Samp constructed a survey that allowed for 201 18-to-24-year-olds to respond to hypothetical scenarios between their partner and one of their close friendships. The scenarios depicted three types of uncertainty: uncertainty about one’s own feelings, uncertainty about the partner’s actions and feelings, and uncertainty about the overall stability of the relationship.
Then, Worley and Samp studied the effects these types of uncertainty had on four types of jealousy: sexual, intimacy, power and companionship jealousy.
The study found that the three sources of relational uncertainty all led to jealousy toward the partner’s friendship, while both self and partner uncertainty led to feelings of jealousy about the overall relationship.
When it came to this overall relational uncertainty, the participants expressed jealousy in many different ways. Their various expressions depended on the type of jealousy felt.
Additionally, Worley and Samp found that the four types of romantic jealousy all correlated with a certain form of communication.
Sexual jealousy, the concern that your partner is sexually involved with a friend, was expressed through active distancing.
Power jealousy, the belief that you are losing influence over your partner, had the most visible form of expression: active distancing and violent verbal communication.
Intimacy jealousy, the concern that your partner has more emotional intimacy with a friend than you, led to personal struggles with self-esteem.
Lastly, companionship jealousy, the suspicion about benefits the nonromantic friend is receiving, is often associated with being expressed as avoidance or denial.
HOW CAN I MINIMIZE JEALOUSY?
Now that you know why jealousy arises and can recognize the many ways it is expressed, you may be wondering how to lessen jealousy in your relationship.
Carrie Kennedy-Lightsey of Stephen F. Austin State University published an article in 2018 that studied just that. Specifically, she studied the correlation between relational maintenance behavior and the amount of jealousy experienced.
“Relational maintenance” refers to actions, such as verbal affirmations or quality time together, that bring assurance of the stability of a relationship.
Kennedy-Lightsey surveyed 192 people who were in a romantic relationship, many of whom described their relationship as seriously dating. These surveys provided numerical options for the participants to describe their levels of agreement and satisfaction with their partner’s relational maintenance behaviors.
Participants also ranked their partner’s personal jealousy, jealousy expression and relationship uncertainty with their partner.
The surveys showed that a lack of relational maintenance creates jealousy and uncertainty between partners.
Lower levels of relational maintenance result in communication that is destructive and avoidant. Partners’ communication was more constructive when there was higher relational maintenance, Kennedy-Lightsey found. The participants felt more certain when they perceived that their partner was engaged in relational maintenance behaviors.
Kennedy-Lightsey’s study also suggested that although jealousy may be impossible to avoid in romantic relationships, there are ways to minimize it.
The best way is to provide assurance to your partner by maintaining high relational maintenance.
Having shared tasks that bonded partners together was the most effective form of lowering jealousy, but supporting the relationship through verbal assurances, accepting your partner for who they are and being understanding can also make a romantic relationship more secure.
Another way to reduce jealousy is having higher self-disclosure with each other, which helps create an affectionate atmosphere in the relationship for responding and openly discussing feelings and thoughts.
Although jealousy can seem daunting, there are ways to manage it.
If your partner is being unclear about their obvious jealousy, you can look at the ways it is being expressed and try to find the root of their doubt or annoyance. If you are already in a relationship, you can focus on relational maintenance and self-disclosure to cultivate a partnership with fewer jealousy struggles.
By knowing the ins and outs of relational uncertainty and jealousy, we can build more secure relationships with one another through clearer communication.
Cover image via First Light Law