By: Campbell Jenkins

Everyone has had a point in a friendship where one person does the other wrong in some way, whether it’s not answering important text messages or getting involved with the other’s crush. With situations like those, there can be a wide range of not only reactions but also types of forgiveness.

I can think of many points in each of my strongest friendships where one of us had to forgive the other for something. As difficult as it may be to acknowledge the need for forgiveness, it can create a much healthier relationship when done correctly.

WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY

Andy Merolla of the University of California, Santa Barbara has published several studies on forgiveness and its importance to interpersonal relationships. Merolla began his research with a 2008 study that explored three different types of forgiveness: indirect, direct and conditional.

Indirect forgiveness is basically ignoring that the transgression happened, while direct forgiveness addresses the problems.

Conditional forgiveness involves placing a condition on the promise to forgive the transgression, like saying, “I’ll forgive you for staying out late if you don’t stay out past 8 p.m. this weekend.”

Through a questionnaire taken by two communications classes, Merolla analyzed how each type of forgiveness affected both platonic and romantic relationships. He asked both open-ended questions and questions on a scale to determine how participants felt about moments of transgression.

At first, people were more likely to pretend like the transgression never happened, especially if it was the first offense. As the severity of the transgression increased, though, Merolla’s questionnaire found that directly addressing problems was more effective.

WHAT PEOPLE WANT

Merolla distributed another questionnaire in a 2017 study published in Communication Studies that was used to determine the type of forgiveness people preferred to be granted.

He gave examples of forgiveness-granting statements that had different styles, like suppressing (silence, no discussion) and engaging (clear discussion; nonverbals).

The results showed that people don’t like to just assume forgiveness by using a suppressing style—people like to know for sure whether they have been forgiven.

Participants preferred the engaging forgiveness-granting communication, which involved clear, calm and open forgiveness.

WHAT I’VE SEEN

Before my best friend and I were best friends, we dated for a few months early on in high school until he suddenly broke up with me. Although this point in our relationship was definitely strengthening, the breakup definitely strained us for a while. It took many months for us to finally sit down and talk things out.

Until then, we had been rather hostile towards each other and, eventually, we stopped talking, which was definitely not fun for our mutual friends. When we decided to finally sit down and have a conversation about what happened, I was able to calmly express my feelings about the situation.

We directly addressed our forgiveness, and the healing process was able to begin. Now, when we have an issue with something in our friendship, neither of us is afraid to bring it up. We just go get Cokes and apple pies from McDonald’s and talk it out calmly in our cars.

Ours is the healthiest and strongest relationship I have in my life, and I owe it to our breakup.

I haven’t always been the greatest at direct communication, and I’ve often used the indirect approach to my relationship conflicts. It’s the biggest reason I grew up with some pretty toxic childhood friendships.

I often avoided bringing up problems with my friends even as I got older, and my friends would use conditional forgiveness on me, which ultimately gave them more power over me than they should have had.

Looking back, it’s clear that many of my friends from that point in my life knew they could use the power of conditions over me because I would do anything to be their friend. That’s why this method can be extremely dangerous.

When considering how to approach a friend about forgiveness, whether it’s asking for it or giving it, you must weigh the different approaches and decide which you need to take.

Having a healthy relationship doesn’t mean you can never do something wrong to the other person. However, if you do, you have to address the problem productively within the context of the situation.

Cover image via The Hills.