By Isabelle Kanning

In the age of TikTok, sitcoms a click away on Netflix or Hulu, and all the Instagram meme accounts you could possibly dream of, it is easy to acknowledge that humor is an important part of our day-to-day lives and our relationships with others.

So many of our friendships are built on humor—I know a lot of mine are. In fact, I mark a lot of my relationships moving from acquaintances or “sort-of” friends to real, “I-would-tell-you-anything” friends by how comfortable I am joking around with someone and how many inside jokes we can crack up about at any given moment.

There’s no denying that humor is a fantastic thing to have in a relationship for both the obvious reasons and a few others that I will explain further. However, even though the point of humor is to make people laugh, form bonds and create happiness, it can cause tension in relationships if it is used negatively.

Humor in a relationship, if used in appropriate ways, has a lot of benefits.

Shannon Maki from the Department of Mass Communication and Communication Studies at West Virginia University and her colleagues gave a survey to 151 pairs and observed that the more a pair—either in a romantic or platonic relationship—used humor, the more cohesive and satisfied they would be in their relationship.

Even if only one of the two people in that partnership frequently used humor to communicate, both benefited from a stronger relationship than they would have had if neither used humor frequently.

If you think you are the funny one in the relationship, this is proof that you are bringing a lot more to your friend or significant other than simply entertainment—you may even be the reason you are both happy in the relationship in the first place.

Not only does humor provide benefits to a relationship, but it is also a coping mechanism that helps to solve problems. You may have heard that using humor as a coping mechanism is not the healthiest way to navigate stress, but Maki and colleagues found that the more someone uses humor to communicate, the more their “relational issues such as conflict and stress” are minimized.

Additionally, Jessalyn Vallade, Melanie Booth-Butterfield and Lori Vela from the Department of Communication Studies at West Virginia University conducted a study published in the Western Journal of Communication that surveyed 220 participants and found that the participants used humor to attempt to restore balance in a relationship following a fight or disagreement.

Avoiding negative humor, however, is something that plays an important role in whether humor benefits a relationship. If you have ever used humor to “take back control” after being hurt by someone, you are not alone. In fact, Vallade and colleagues found that after a relational partner violates your expectations for them or the norms of your relationship, you probably feel a loss of power and find that the best way to even out the playing field is to use negative humor that aggressively targets and demeans the person who hurt you.

The more you feel you have been hurt by your partner, the more negative humor you will likely use at their expense. The more negative humor you use, the more you will likely insult your partner following the disagreement.

There is also a connection between the amount of self-deprecating humor you use and the amount of negative humor you direct towards others.

It may not seem like intentionally targeting your partner is something you’re capable of, but, if you have a tendency to make jokes at your own expense, Vallade and colleagues’ study said you have a propensity to make them at the expense of others, as well.

While taking back power and restoring the order of a relationship may not seem like a terrible idea, especially when you have been hurt, Vallade found that people who use less negative humor towards their partner are happier in their relationships.

I know that when it comes to my personal relationships, they would not be what they are today without an appreciation for humor.

If my best friends from home did not send me their favorite TikToks or Instagram posts they knew I would laugh at, it would not have been as easy to maintain the friendships when I came to Belmont, so knowing that humor has a legitimate role in the strength of my relationships is refreshing.

It is important to realize, though, that even though humor leads to laughter, stronger bonds and more happiness in relationships, being able to use it positively and effectively is just as important as being able to use it at all.

Cover image via iStock