By: Elizabeth Sutphin

Growing up, I had always heard that living in a dorm was going to be like having a sleepover with your best friends every single night, and sometimes that’s true. From family dinners and movie nights to heartwarming conversations that fill the living room with laughter, life in a college dorm can be an absolute dream.

But sometimes, if we are being honest, it can also be an absolute nightmare. Even when you love your roommates with your whole heart, sometimes living in a dorm is a complete disaster.

As the old saying goes, you don’t really know someone until you live with them, and, when you know your roommates better than anyone else and are spending that much time together, disagreements and arguments are simply unavoidable.

We’ve all been in the heat of an argument with a roommate having absolutely no idea what to say or do next—do you speak your mind and risk your friendship, or do you passively let the moment go and say nothing at all?

A variety of factors play into the way a student will choose to handle arguments. Because conflict is so situational, no one strategy is most effective across the board. Even so, having a clear idea of the many ways conflict can be handled in an American dorm helps choose the best way to proceed when the next argument comes up in your apartment.

How do college students manage conflict?

Alan Sillars, a communication researcher at West Virginia University, performed an experiment in search of an answer to this very question. In his study, published in Communication Monographs, he wrote that there are three common ways to resolve conflict in a college dorm.

The first strategy is known as the “passive-indirect” strategy, where communication about the conflict is kept to a minimum. An example is deciding it’s not worth saying something to your roommate about the messy kitchen. Even though it might seem easier to dodge a conversation about those dirty dishes, avoiding the situation is often a lose-lose solution.

The second strategy is the “distributive” strategy, which opens the door to communicating about the issues but places the blame almost entirely on the other person. This type of response is self-focused, as it promotes individual success over mutual benefits. It is usually accompanied by excuses, passive-aggressive comments and placing the blame on others.

An example is immediately blaming your roommate for taking your last bottle of water without asking. Focusing on “my way,” this strategy of conflict resolution is quite one-sided, often resulting in a win-lose situation.

Lastly, the “integrative” or “collaborative” strategy begins a dialogue about the conflict but does not seek to place blame or draw out any sort of confession from the other person. Of the three strategies, this is the most open, honest and neutral.

An example is sitting down with your roommate to let them know that you think it’s been a bit too loud lately and ask to talk about some boundaries.

While objectively talking through things might not be the most convenient or comfortable way to resolve conflict, this problem-solving solution is the most likely to produce a win-win scenario for both you and your roommates.

How SHOULD college students manage conflict?

I’m willing to bet that each of us has likely used all three of these conflict resolution strategies at one point or another, but which one is the best?

To determine which conflict resolution strategy is used the most used in the typical college dorm, Sillars sent out questionnaires to over 100 college freshmen in American dorms.

Through both open- and closed-ended questions, the survey asked students to recall the details of their roommate conflicts—where the blame was placed, how the partners worked through the conflicts and how they felt afterward.

While the study found that college students associate collaborative problem-solving strategies with positive outcomes in conflict resolution, further analysis suggested that having an open and honest conversation often isn’t the immediate response.

In fact, collaborative strategies were the least frequently reported of the three strategies, especially when the conflict was over something important.

The students reported that they were only likely to have an honest conversation about the problem if there wasn’t much at stake, they believed their roommate would cooperate or they were willing to take the blame.

What is the intercultural connection?

Certain styles of conflict resolution may be ideal for the everyday disagreements with your roommates at Belmont, but what happens when you are no longer at Belmont or even in the U.S.?

Each year, hundreds of Belmont students study abroad for the summer or even the semester. While studying abroad is the opportunity of a lifetime, I can guarantee your time abroad will not be perfect. Regardless of your cultural background or identity, conflict is almost always inevitable in any real relationship no matter where you go.

Birgit Friederike Haar and Barbara Krahê of the University of Potsdam studied conflict resolution with students from different cultural backgrounds in a study published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology. While we all will face conflict from time to time, this study found that the ways we settle disagreements often differ between cultures.

Haar and Krahê asked students from Germany and Indonesia—two countries that differ greatly in their core values, beliefs and behaviors—how they would respond to disagreements in three different scenarios: conflict with a teacher, parent and same-sex friend.

Germany has a highly individualistic culture, meaning it greatly values personal success. Indonesia, on the other hand, is a collectivist culture that is more concerned with respecting authority, honoring family and building community than individual achievement.

In each of the three scenarios, German students reported more frequently choosing a confrontational strategy over submissive and compromise-oriented conflict resolution strategies. In contrast, the Indonesian students almost always opted for a more submissive route in dealing with conflict.

After analyzing these results, the researchers concluded that individualistic cultures are much more confrontational than collectivist cultures.

The U.S. is one of the most individualistic countries in the world today, so it stands to reason that Americans would also be highly confrontational in their conflict resolution strategies.

Just as each individual is unique in their instinctive conflict resolution strategies, it’s important to remember that not every culture is as direct and confrontational as American culture in handling disagreements.

Whether it’s here at Belmont or halfway around the world, knowing your own conflict resolution styles and how this compares to other cultures will prepare you to resolve conflict from here to anywhere.

Cover image: dreamstime.com