By: Abby Roesch , Edited by: Jack Tucker

In college, many students find themselves in romantic relationships. Although I am not currently in a relationship, I am frequently the “go-to” confidant for relationship advice. Whether from my roommates, friends or even my older brother, I am often asked questions such as, “do you think he really loves me?” or “how can I make sure he is happy with our relationship?” Whether or not they realize it, these issues are rooted in relationship insecurity. In college, we constantly wonder whether or not we are likable enough for others. It is this internal battle between self-esteem and lack of self-confidence that can compromise our romantic relationships.

So many of my friends constantly wonder whether or not their significant other is benefitting from and committed to their relationship. In a society characterized by hook-up culture, not to mention one with dating apps like Tinder and unrealistic “relationship goals” in all forms of media, it is no wonder that people feel insecure about their romantic relationships every now and then. However, this anxiety that students face is ultimately rooted in their levels of self-confidence.

In 2009, Leslie Rill of Portland State University and her colleagues researched the relationship between individuals’ self-esteem and perceived commitment levels in romantic relationships. This study, titled “Exploration of the Relationship between Self-Esteem, Commitment, and Verbal Aggressiveness in Romantic Dating Relationships,” also studied verbal aggressiveness and argumentativeness in these relationships.

In this study, Rill and her associates discovered a direct correlation between levels of self-esteem and levels of perceived relationship commitment. While they found no relationship between one’s commitment to their relationship and verbal aggressiveness, argumentativeness and self-esteem were related. In other words, confident people are more likely to use productive conflict strategies.

To illustrate, Ross and Rachel’s relationship from the TV show Friends perfectly demonstrates this conflict. Ross’s lack of self-esteem caused him to doubt Rachel’s commitment to their relationship. His personal insecurities led to more relationally aggressive actions like showing up unannounced at her office with a picnic basket and delivering balloons to her. These actions led to an argument between the two before they decided to take a break from dating each other.

Relationship insecurity and social comparison tendencies are related as well. Social comparison tendencies are when a partner in a relationship compares their partnership to another one. Lavonia LeBeau from Pennsylvania State University and Justin Buckingham of Towson University conducted a similar study, “Relationship Social Comparison Tendencies, Insecurity, and Perceived Relationship Quality,” in 2008 which revealed that relationship social comparison tendencies are directly associated with relationship insecurity.

In other words, LeBeau and Buckingham discovered that when partners compare themselves to other couples, their levels of intimacy, satisfaction, and commitment in their relationships are lower. They also found that social comparison tendencies are related to anxious and avoidant attachment styles of relationship engagement as well.

An anxious attachment style is characterized by lesser levels of confidence that lead to anxiety about the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style tend to empathize with statements like, “I love my partner, but I find myself wondering if they love me as much as I love them.” People with this style are also more likely to doubt their worth and therefore blame themselves for their partner’s lack of attachment. The other style of attachment that LeBeau and Buckingham studied is avoidant attachment. This is when a person has difficulty growing emotionally intimate with another person. People with this attachment style tend to view themselves more negatively, and there is often a lack of trust in the other partner. This type of attachment style makes communication in a relationship difficult.

To use the Friends example again, Ross’s lack of self-esteem and struggle with relationship insecurity is demonstrated by his anxious attachment style and his comparison of his relationship with Rachel with others. He loves Rachel, yet he spends the majority of the episode worrying whether or not she loves him the same amount. Because of this, Ross’s insecurity causes their relationship to dissolve for a period of time.

These two research studies provide the much-needed explanation for and insight into relationship social comparison tendencies and relationship insecurity. If you or a friend is experiencing relationship insecurity in some way, checking self-esteem is probably a good idea. Additionally, self-esteem relates to our perceptions of others. It is important that we recognize the role our self-confidence might be playing in our romantic relationships. It is also pertinent that we understand our attachment styles and how those might further influence our relationships.

As my mother always says, “to compare is to despair.” Be aware of your tendencies to compare and demean yourself because the ways in which we view ourselves greatly influence our other relationships. After all, if we so easily become insecure about ourselves, it is no wonder that we become insecure in our other relationships.