By: Katie Beth Dorris

Edited By: Lydia Doss

You’ve been waiting for this moment your entire young life. The moment that you are finally out on your own, paving your way through your adult life, making your own decisions. College is a time of exploration, fun, responsibility, and new experiences. It’s likely your relationship with your brother or sister is the least of your concerns, but what if I told you the rest of your adult-sibling relationship is being defined right now.

Sibling communication patterns in early adulthood are often maintained throughout middle adulthood and old age, according to research completed in communication researcher, Alan Mikkelson’s study of adult sibling communication. By understanding the causes of conflict in sibling relationships one can manage the way they argue with siblings. If the rest of your adult-sibling relationship depended on how you have communicated with your brother or sister in the last six months, what would that relationship look like? Are you close?  Or do you barely speak?

College students undergo a great deal of uncertainty, as this is often the first time these young adults are out on their own. Sibling relationships are no exception to that uncertainty. In a study of dialectic tensions in adult-sibling relationships, researcher, Danielle Halliwell found that during the transition into adulthood there are two main struggles found in sibling relationships: the transition from their old relationship to this unprecedented new relationship and certainty versus uncertainty in the new relational rules between siblings.

Dialectic tensions refer to opposing needs in relationships. For example, in romantic relationships many couples see a sense of togetherness versus independence as a dialectic tension. Participants in Halliwell’s study voiced that physical distance between them and their sibling(s) caused them to be uncertain of what their sibling was going through and who they were as a person. Once a college student leaves home it is up to them, not their parents, to maintain a relationship with their brother or sister. There isn’t a mandatory time for siblings to hang out together let alone speak to each other, like the times when they once lived down the hall from one another. Siblings have to make the choice to call, text, or care about one another.

Emily Palombo, an associate professor of communication at Christopher Newport University, observed that without a significant tragedy taking place, the sibling relationship is often the longest lasting relationship most people develop. In a relationship of this stature and longevity, conflict is inevitable. That is why Palombo studied the causes and categorization of conflict in adult, sibling relationships. Palombo coded six dominant themes in sibling conflict throughout interviews of female college students at a small liberal arts university. These themes include age differences, unequal material resources, parental influence, conflict communication, physical distance, and improvement of relationship in college years. Additionally, age differences and personality differences strongly affect sibling relationships. 

Emerging adults crave relationships with other adults who understand the struggles they are facing. It is no surprise that when siblings are closer to age in adulthood there is less strain on the relationship than when there is a significant age difference. Parental influence also serves as a major conflict instigator. When siblings perceive that one sibling is getting more emotional, financial, or material support than another conflict is sure to follow. While there are many causes of conflict between siblings, physical distance was one factor that reduced conflict according to both Palombo and Halliwell. I guess the time-old phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true in the case of adult-sibling relationships. 

How often do you talk to your brother or sister? Are you close? Would you like to be closer? Though young college students may not worry about how they are maintaining their sibling relationships, maybe they should. College students are told time and again, “Call your parents, they worry about you!” But how often are they told to call their siblings? College isn’t the time to take a break from your sibling relationship, it is the time to define it. With all the additional stress that comes along with moving away to college, some stability could be a nice feature in your life. Sibling relationships can provide that sense of stability. While you don’t get to choose your family, you can choose the strength of your relationship. Your siblings are the people who will be a constant throughout the rest of your life.

Now that you know the common strains on adult-sibling relationships are redefining your new relationship and the uncertainty that goes along with that strain, you can be proactive not reactive. Take the time to call your sibling, let them know what is going on in your life, be open about the existing limitations in in your relationship. Choose to make your sibling a confidant, friend, partner-in-crime because like it or not, you are in this crazy life together.