BY MATTIE DAVIS
EDITED BY RYAN BIGELOW
Picture yourself sitting at a coffee shop, listening to your friend vent about her new boyfriend drama. You are half-listening and your phone vibrates. It’s a text from your mom asking you to pick up milk from the grocery store. That leads you to daydream about the dairy aisle and next thing you know, you’re daydreaming about Brad Pitt as a cowboy in the desert drinking milk.
It’s amusing and normal to wander off sometimes, but this makes reentering the conversation harder. Being a good listener is an invaluable life skill because it is crucial in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Here are three tips to help you become a better listener:
- Be Understanding
The cliche “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” may not be true in the context of listening. Words affect our emotions greatly; it’s important to be understanding when having a conversation with someone. When you listen with the intent to understand, you become a more empathic person.
According to a study conducted by Graham Bodie and colleagues at Louisiana State University, understanding and nonjudgmental individuals are seen as friendlier and more likeable people. Bodie asked 417 students to describe the character traits of a supportive listener and found that being understanding was frequently mentioned.
Joseph Devito, author of The Interpersonal Communication Book, discusses ways we can be understanding and supportive in a conversation.
- Ask questions like “Can you say more about that?”;
- Objectively paraphrase what the speaker says (but don’t put words into their mouth!);
- Empathize with the speaker by echoing the emotions they express or imply.
- Be Open
Life is hard and we all need encouragement sometimes. Whether talking with your mom or the lady at the customer service desk, remember that everyone has feelings, just like you.
According to research conducted by Ceri Sims of Buckinghamshire University and published in The International Journal of Listening, open-minded people tend to disconnect from the outside world and focus on the speaker. They empathize with the speaker and better understand their thoughts and feelings.
The Interpersonal Communication Book suggests ways we can go into a conversation with an open mind.
- Recognize your own biases;
- Don’t prejudge (form judgements based on your own biases);
- Seek to understand the speaker’s thoughts and feelings;
- Don’t filter out or oversimplify the speaker’s complex thoughts and feelings.
- Be Agreeable
Sometimes we simply need someone to agree with us. When your friend is venting to you about a bad grade she got, don’t remind her that she went out on Saturday night instead of studying.
Dr. Sims also found that warm and agreeable people tend to be better listeners by showing verbal and nonverbal acknowledgment. This feedback shows the speaker that you are actively listening and encourages them to share more.
Here are some tips from The Interpersonal Communication Book on how to be more agreeable in a conversation.
- Give encouraging feedback like “I see”;
- Signal that you are listening through head-nodding and maintaining eye contact;
- Avoid interrupting the speaker.
Whether talking to your best friend or someone taking your order at McDonald’s, always be invested in the conversation. Listening with genuine intent shows respect for the speaker and helps you think and respond effectively.
Now that you know three character traits of good listeners, go out and practice these skills! They are not natural and take time to develop. They won’t only help you become a better listener; they’ll help you develop deeper relationships with those around you.
Of course, everyone would love to daydream about Brad Pitt drinking milk. However, when you miss out on conversations with people you care about, it is important to take a step back and look at how to become a better listener.