Five Tips for Successful Nonverbal Communication of Emotions for Couples

BY CAMERON PRESSON

EDITED BY LAURA DURR

Picture this: a husband and wife are at dinner. She’s feeling a little off, and he can tell. He notices her smiling less, her eyes flickering around the room, rarely settling on him.

Besides the questionable comment he made about her best friend in the car, he can’t think of any reasons why she might be upset. He decides she’s angry at him.

In reality, the wife is just emotionally and physically weary from a long week of work, which explains her lack of energy and warmth.

However, the husband grows frustrated, thinking that she’s still holding that comment against him. He glares at his wife to express his frustration and the smile he was wearing before the date quickly fades. She becomes confused at his apparent state of anger, and the conflict begins.

So, who’s at fault? Maybe the blame falls on the wife for not explicitly expressing her emotions. Couldn’t she have mustered up the energy to be more engaged or told him she was just tired?

Perhaps the fault lies in the actions of the husband, who assumed he knew why she was acting the way she was. Couldn’t he have remembered how exhausted she’d been coming home yesterday from work or simply asked what was wrong?

How could their conflict have been avoided? How can your own conflicts be avoided?

The answer: a strong understanding of nonverbal behaviors as they relate to expressing and revealing emotions.

Here are five research-based tips for successful nonverbal communication between you and your significant other that’ll help save you from confusing conversations and future fights.

Tip #1: Don’t always assume that your nonverbal behaviors are as clear as day to your partner.

According to a recent study published in Communication Monographs conducted by Ascan Koerner and Mary Anne Fitzpatrick, both genders in a heterosexual relationship overestimate their abilities to use nonverbal behaviors to express their emotions, as well as to understand the emotions of their partners.

Both partners in a relationship, then, need to humbly accept that the messages they send may be more complicated than they’d like to think.

In your interactions with your partner, be mindful that they may not understand the emotions that you’re sending and your interpretation of their own body language may be wrong. Don’t jump to conclusions, ask for clarification, and be willing to verbally express your emotions when your nonverbal behaviors create ambiguity.

Tip #2: Be understanding of gender differences.

Research from Koerner and Fitzpatrick also revealed a few important differences between the nonverbal behaviors of men and women. Notably, women smiled more to express feeling positive emotions than did men.

For women, this means that when your boyfriend or husband doesn’t smile as much, or doesn’t when you expect him to, don’t necessarily worry.

Second, the study showed that men nonverbally conveyed the emotion of pleasure the least effectively.

Women should then be understanding when men sometimes have a difficult time showing through their body language that they’re pleased, since it’s what they have the hardest time with. Men should also be aware of their shortcomings and fill in the gaps for their partners when it is needed.

Tip #3: Smile even when your partner doesn’t.

 In a study titled “Nonverbal Behavioral Indicators of Negative Affect in Couple Interaction” published in the Contemporary Family Therapy Journal, researchers found that partners experiencing positive emotions smiled more when their partner was experiencing negative emotions.

People in relationships usually mirror each other, but this research might suggest an aid to managing partners’ negative emotions.

If your partner is clearly not matching your positive emotions, try smiling as a way of nonverbally repairing your partner’s emotions. Your smile may reassure your partner or hint that you wish them to match your own happiness.

Tip #4: Be aware of how contagious negative emotions are.

The contagiousness of negative emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration can be seen in a variety of contexts and is very evident in relationships.

Negativity is a poison we tend to share, whether on purpose or not. This is supported in a classic study on the consistency of nonverbal affect reciprocity in marriages conducted by famed family therapist and researcher Dr. John Gottman.

Gottman found that one partner’s nonverbally displayed negative emotions led to their partner feeling and expressing similar negative emotions.

He also discovered negative emotions were reciprocated more consistently than were positive emotions.

While the contagious nature of emotions can be beneficial when the emotions are positive, the opposite is true when they’re negative.

So, be mindful of how the nonverbal display of your own negative emotions can directly influence the mood of your partner.

Tip #5: Be careful when assessing why your partner’s upset.

When people read their partner’s nonverbal behaviors and decide that they’re upset, they either attribute their emotions to being a result of something either inside or outside of the relationship.

Essentially, they decide if it has something to do with them or not.

According to the research conducted by Koerner and Fitzpatrick, accurate perception of negative emotions that were not the result of anything within the relationship was strongly correlated with happier marriages.

Furthermore, the study showed that it was more important for husbands than for wives to correctly attribute their partner’s negative emotions as unrelated to their relationship. It provided the example of wives’ depression: how husbands assessed the root of their spouse’s depression and the accuracy of their assessment was critical to the marriage’s success.

In short, if you don’t know why your partner seems upset, you might want to ask instead of jumping to conclusions about whether it’s related to your relationship or not. Don’t assume it always isn’t, but it may not always be your fault.

Conflict is a part of life and thus a part of relationships. However, a good understanding of both the general nature of nonverbal communication as well as how your partner specifically tends to express their emotions nonverbally is a step in the right direction towards minimizing those conflicts.

Accurately revealing and reading emotions displayed through body language is extremely important to the success of relationships.

Nonverbally communicating emotions might be complicated, but following these tips might just prevent your relationship status from being labeled the same