Tips to have a happy and healthy relationship in your twenties

BY CHRISTI DUERKSEN

EDITED BY LAURA DURR

To the single twenty something who wants it all:

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been drawn into that captivating love story between two ill-fated lovers.

We watch the couple on the screen, while clenching the arms of the sofa with white-knuckled anticipation. We scrutinize their every move, taking note of every interaction, every conversation, memorizing it for our future benefit. Because, after all, who doesn’t want their love life to look like the romances of the silver screen?

But, this isn’t reality. The relationships we see in the media – those great romances that we all aspire to have – are not accurate.

Basing our every romantic daydream on our favorite shows is not the real key to a lasting love.

According to a study done by Anderegg Courtney, at the Ohio State University, the relationship behaviors we see on TV are portrayed disproportionately to real life.

So what exactly does that mean?

Every relationship we have has what are called maintenance behaviors. These behaviors are things like positivity, understanding and self-disclosure, to name a few.

In real life, maintenance behaviors are both positive and negative. However, according to this study, our favorite couples on television really only display positive behaviors, but never the negative ones.

But even beyond that, the behaviors these couples do display aren’t for authentic relationship-building reasons – they’re for exposition. And the sad reality is, as much as we hate to admit it, our favorite couples are ultimately just part of stories that need – you guessed it – a plotline.

But how are we supposed to know how to navigate this scary, nervous-energy-filled, left-swiping, double-tapping, modern relationship saga that we live in when we are saturated with backwards relationships on TV? In order to help you out with that, I’ve compiled research from – brace yourself – real science, to help you handle your romances.

Tip Number 1: Couple Time

As stated in a study by Laura Farrel, a doctoral student at North Dakota State University, one of the most important things that couples can do is set aside time to just be together.

The study reported that couples are most likely to engage in self-disclosure talk while spending quality time together.

Now, bear with me here, I know this seems obvious, but you’d be surprised at just how many twenty-something couples just simply don’t spend time together.

Our generation is all about conquering the world, and our self-worth is established by just how many activities we can cram into our aesthetically pleasing, color-coded planners. But actually scheduling time to just be with your significant other is already putting you one step ahead of the game.

Tip Number 2: Rituals

I know you’re reading the title of that tip, and you’re probably concerned. I’m not saying that you and your significant other need to make a bi-annual pilgrimage to Machu Picchu to sacrifice a llama under the light of the waning moon. Please don’t do that. It’s probably not healthy.

What I am suggesting is that you and your partner establish specific traditions together.

According to the same article from tip number one, couples who engage in idiosyncratic rituals, like going to the same frozen yogurt joint, bowling together on Wednesdays or saying goodnight the same way, end up engaging in healthy self-disclosure about their shared relationship past and their hopes for their relationship’s future.

But what’s even more helpful than little traditions are big ones. Try picking a special date and develop a tradition around it, you’d be surprised at the wonders it will do for your relationship.

Tip Number 3: Ditch the Tech

According to a study by Erin Ruppel at University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, people prefer face-to-face conversation over discussion through technology. However, this study also shows that there is a difference between new relationships, and old ones.

If you are in a new relationship – still in that kind of awkward butterflies phase – you are more likely to prefer voice-based communication technology (or as everyone else calls it, phone calls) for conversations including self-disclosure.

But, here’s the interesting thing: as relationships progress, couples begin to prefer face-to-face conversations to technology-based ones, as Ruppel reports.

So basically, what this means for you is that, when you’re in a new relationship, your safe space to share things with your significant other might be over the phone. You start off with those late night phone calls that always end with, “no, you hang up… no, no, you hang up first,” and that’s actually a great place to start!

However, as your relationship progresses, and you get to know each other better, it gets easier to ditch the tech and just be together. And thus, we are brought full circle – ditch the tech and create to couple-time.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m the relationship guru. I don’t have the cure-all solution to all of your problems. This article is not the fairy godmother’s magic wand, and as much as I wish, I cannot bippity boppity boop you into relational bliss. But hopefully I can offer you some simple help.

Don’t get trapped in the idea of the “perfect” television romance. You don’t need to be Hillary Duff in Rome or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet on a boat to be happy (actually, don’t strive to be Leo anyways – his love story doesn’t end too well).

But what you can do is try to change the little things. Spend more time with your “person,” as Meredith Grey in “Grey’s Anatomy” puts it. Turn the little joys and the big moments into repeated rituals. And learn to move away from budding late-night phone calls and embrace those long talks in person, because these are the ways that you really and truly fall in love.