by The Belmont Bateman Team

Imagine this: You’re having a conversation with your best friend about something that is really important to you. She keeps asking you to repeat yourself. You can tell by her body language that she’s paying more attention to her phone than she is to you. You become increasingly upset and begin to be short with her. Your friend becomes defensive and you become increasingly argumentative. The conversation turns sour and you leave it with hurt feelings. 

This is a situation that everyone has experienced with a best friend, family member, or significant other. Zoning out during a discussion fosters poor civil discourse. By zoning out, you are showing the other person that you are not interested in hearing their side of the conversation. Civility is a two-way street, and being a good listener is crucial to engaging in effective civil discourse. Here are 5 tips for anyone looking to become a better listener: 

1. Ask More Questions 

One of the easiest ways to let someone know you are interested in what they are saying is to ask questions. This may seem simple, but it shows active engagement and empathy towards the other person. In addition, asking questions can help clarify parts of the conversation that you may not understand. This clarification can lead to more effective discussions later on, as there will be less prior misunderstandings. 

2. Listen as Much as You Talk 

To foster healthy civil discourse, your listening-to-talking ratio should be 50/50. No conversation should be one-sided. Check-in with yourself and see if you have a tendency to be more direct and overpowering in a conversation or if you fall more on the quiet and passive end of the spectrum. By engaging in self-reflection, you will be able tp pivot your conversation style to achieve a 50/50 listening-to-talking ratio. 

3. Don’t Interrupt 

When a great point enters your head, it can be tempting to say it immediately. However, it is important to be respectful of the other person. Wait until they have finished sharing their point before you speak. Not only that but be certain to listen to their point and consider it fully before jumping back into the conversation. 

4. Make Eye Contact 

Avoiding distractions is key to engaging in a civil discussion. Civil discourse requires respect, and that means being fully present during a conversation. One of the best ways to avoid distractions is to maintain eye contact. Fight the constant urge to look at your phone, check out your surroundings, or roll your eyes. Maintaining eye contact shows that you the conversation is important to you.

5. Be Honest 

Emotions play a huge role in how conversations escalate. For example, after a long day of work, the last thing you want to do is have a discussion with your roommate about cleaning the dishes. This doesn’t mean that this topic isn’t important to you, it just means that you can’t engage it in right now. It’s okay to let the other person know that you’re not in the right mindset to have a civil discussion. If you’re not emotionally ready to engage in a civil conversation, you are avoiding a potential fight that leads to feeling being hurt. You know that you cannot currently give that person the respect they deserve. Let your roommate know that having the conversation is important to you and you would be interested in discussing it at a different time in the near future. 

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