I have a star tattooed over my heart.
I never thought that I would actually get a tattoo. I always wanted one, but it felt like a big commitment. Tattoos are forever and I had never thought about life in terms of forever. I told my friends in high school that it would be okay if our friendships didn’t make it past college. The truth was, I was scared. I had spent my life believing that regardless of how good things were, they would eventually burn out and leave embers; glowing wood in a dying fire. I did not want dying relationships.
When I moved 900 odd miles away from the place I had called home, I gave all my energy into finding replacements for the people who had once held my heart. I bounced from group to group, finding a few good people along the way, but never really settling. As the end of the year approached, I felt lost and deeply alone. Then, I found myself on a spontaneous, middle of the night, mid-school week, road trip.
We drove for awhile and then came to a halt in a field. I was terribly confused and my friend told me to get out of the car and look up. What I never told my friend, is that my dad and I used to look up at the stars. He used to always tell me that if I ever got lost, I could follow the Big Dipper home. So, there I was, feeling terribly lost and there were the stars reminding me that I knew the way home.
It was then that I realized that I was never lost. I was the North Star and all the people who had held my heart so carefully over the years made up the rest of the constellation that I call home.
I lost so much time, bouncing from group to group, and in the process, I forgot about all the things that I loved. I had forgotten who I was. When I finally began doing things that reminded me of who I wanted to be, I found my community. I changed my major because my heart wasn’t in it, and suddenly I was surrounded by friends. I applied to be an R.A. and I met the people I had been waiting for. I will admit, over the years I have found myself feeling lost and alone again and again. Luckily, now, I have a star tattooed on my heart to remind me.
I have found that in order to build a beloved community, you must bring your whole self. In allowing fear to rule my actions, I failed to pause and recognize that although college is in many ways terrifying, I had been preparing for this journey for 18 years. Somehow, in the mess of trying to be who we are called to be, the people surrounding us become more visible. These are the people that the Lord has provided us with.
Ellie Sanford, Senior, Social Entrepreneurship Major